fashion is hard (and it shouldn't be)
As a preteen, I thought I hated fashion. Turns out, I just hated forced gender norms. It's taken me about two decades since then to realize that sometimes I want to dress up and look extra nice, but not in the way society might expect me to. When I imagine myself at the opening reception of my very own solo art show (hey, a manatee can dream), I usually don't picture myself in a dress or blouse. I picture myself rocking a suit or waistcoat with a bow tie. I would absolutely love to be able to emulate the style of @comets_vintage on instagram. Being a dapper manatee is easier said than done, though. I'm pretty low-income, and most of the companies that make masc or gender-neutral clothing that can fit my short, curvy body are expensive. Don't even get me started on the clothes that mainstream stores usually sell for people with my body type (if you've ever been plus-sized, you know what I mean). Toss in some sensory sensitivities and heat intolerance that make most synthetic fabrics a no-go, and shopping for clothes can be a wild goose chase. (That would actually be a cool name for a size-inclusive, gender-inclusive, sensory-friendly fashion line: Wild Goose Chase.) On the very rare occasion I have a formal event, I scramble to find something I can sorta-kinda-maybe tolerate wearing, that also won't bankrupt me. I have a casually femme side too, but it doesn't look like figure-hugging fits or impractical sleeves and necklines that make me feel exposed. It looks like pigtails and twirly cotton skater skirts paired with loose, simple t-shirts and sneakers. It's playful, comfortable, childlike. The 13th Doctor, whose look alternates between "children's TV presenter" and "dapper tomboy", expresses both sides of my preferred style. Speaking of pigtails, I wear them every day, both because they're cute and fun, and because they keep my hair off my neck. Part of me wants to try a short androgynous haircut, but part of me really wants to keep those pigtails. Like the Doctor, I'm still figuring myself out. I just wish lack of inclusivity and accessibility in fashion didn't make exploring who I am so needlessly difficult.